Sometimes I think I’ll die while driving,
because I’d be too busy looking at the clouds and colors of the sky.
Gradients I try to memorize,
tufts of pillowy outlines tracing in my mind.

I wouldn’t mind going out like that.
Finally for my weary body to lay to rest
For Millions of abstract thoughts to cease
in the comforting embrace of the great beyond

I’m not at home in body or mind

Being alive is like fireworks – bright beautiful fleeting
But also frightening, overwhelming, deafening
We walk through a smoky haze of sparks and thunder
and wonder if every step leads us in the right direction

Remembering that I am a soul
in a frame composed of flesh and bone,
Glancing away from reflections,
Reminders of perceptions outside of my control.
Sinews that have grown and toughened,
Skin that has felt the sun, stars, oceans, and breezes,
Stretching and ever-morphing shapes I don’t recognize myself in anymore

To wake up and feel like the figure I inhabit is an ill-fitting form,
I forget
The memory of touch,
Of knowing love,
Of showing myself grace,
While longing for what others have.

Often I have to remind myself —
I’m alive.
Whether I believe it or not.
I’m alive I’m alive I’m alive.

— —

In a field of flowers,
I am warmed by daylight and soft wind caressing my cheeks.
This is the love that carries me
from my creation to my community.

I was willed into this existence with great desires poured into me.
Expectations I have broken out of and molded into my own uncertain destiny.

But I’m caught between blurring edges of my desire for the end
and the fierce, burning need to experience more than the sum of my life so far.
So intimately
I understand the fine line
Of wanting it all…
And wanting nothing.

I don’t pretend to know anything,
And I don’t want to know everything.
still, a flame flickers in my soft belly,
A hungry curiosity of all the possibilities laid before me.

I have too many secrets clutched so tightly to my chest,
pebbles compressed into rough gems
I would rather bury deep in a riverbed,
for the waters to keep safe
and the currents to smooth over time

Like Gandalf, I’m wise and full of secrets

— —

I have hurt myself more than I have been hurt by others
I have a tendency to cut off the heads of snakes I see
before giving them a chance to charm me.
The thorns I bare are not meant to hurt you,
but how do I dull them?
How do I forget betrayals that I blame myself for?

I have learned forgiveness through the care others have shown me.
Through actions and lived experiences and writings
that have broadened my horizons
and painted possibilities of radical new beginnings —

to reimagine for myself
and the world around me.
For how I too could grow,
stretching beyond the thorns to meet the sun.

I crave connection but am afraid to speak of how lonely it is
to have so many layers hidden from the world.
I bury my emotions until they inevitably well up,
A single eruption and then I’m fine again, full of ashes and nothing changes.

We’re told not to pick at scabs,
To try not to reopen the wound
or it’ll leave a scar,
As hard as it is, sometimes that is exactly what we need.

— —

What were the lost hopes and dreams of those before us?
What are the possibilities of you and me?
How do I feel rooted in a world that keeps pulling me out?

I invite you to share your light with me.
Your brilliance,
Your valleys, your mountains,
your deep dark seas,
and the echoes of yourself that follow.

Share your darkness as I have mine,
Because I know I’m not alone but I need to hear it sometimes.

We arrived here tonight to relish in each other’s precious company,
to create our own joys and memories,
Embracing our flaws and histories,
Our collective love colliding
among the chaos of intertwining coincidences and connections.

That is being alive.
That brings us here,
together,
Tonight

I am just one, lonely person but I want to tell you that you are seen.
I am sorry for the pain you carry with you,
The troubles that follow you,
The weights that exhaust you.
And I hope you find release,
and healing,
and keep pushing yourself to grow.
And allow me the pleasure of growing alongside you.

Whether we have met before in another lifetime,
Whether the reality we’re experiencing is the same or not,
at least you are here.
And we’re together.

May light continue to greet us,
As we learn to welcome our shadows.
May we ride with the waves and flow with the ebbing tides,
Together.

Thank you for listening.

---

Written September 2022.

Performed for the finalist round of Wing Luke Museum’s 2022 Everything Everywhere All At Once-inspired House Party Writers Slam competition. Read the first round’s poem find me in my meadow.

I won 2nd place overall! Really enjoyed the experience despite my nerves, despite working the entire time as volunteer manager and only running in to perform, and even crying during the first performance because it was hitting a bit too close to home.

Theme: embrace the infinite spaces between us / string theory